Making Progress

I have digressed a bit in my blogging about adoption to post on some things that have been on my mind and heart lately.

Today I'd like to return for a moment to parenting a child who happens to be adopted and also suffers from an attachment disorder.

Now, when my husband and I were in the process of adopting older children, we were aware of the behavior issues that we might have to deal with because of the pain of possible abuse and abandonment. We were ready! (Or so we thought.) After all, we already had 4 children, 3 of which were already teens. If you can parent a teen, you can parent any child, right?!

What we soon discovered after bringing our daughters home was that traditional methods of positive reinforcement and discipline that we used to raise our biological children did not work to change the heart and behavior of a hurt child. I was the queen of sticker charts. They didn't work. More love! Nope! Time out. She could sit there all day seething at me. Put her in her room. Terror! Destruction! More of this, less of that...more of that, less of this...

Perhaps you've heard of this, perhaps you've experienced it. It was like living in chaos and constantly banging my head against a wall.

After trying lots and lots of different avenues, we stumbled upon the book, "Parenting the Hurt Child". Actually, we were given this book by a wonderful couple who had also experienced the pain and frustration of raising a hurt child. How nice to have other people in our lives who can relate and offer help and hope!!

What I love about this book is that it gives very practical ideas on how to deal with the behavioral issues that we were dealing with every day.

(What? A whole book that describes my child's behavior? This means I'm not crazy and I'm not alone! There are actually many many books out there that address this issue. It's a real need. WE are not alone!!)

As stated in the book, each child is different. Not every method will work for every child. We are encouraged to take what works for us and leave the rest. We've found some very helpful methods for managing undesirable behaviors.

It's a whole new way of parenting for me. There are things that I allow my hurt child to say and do that I would not have allowed my other children to say and do. It's trying and I still get frustrated (taking lots of deep breaths), but there's a lot more sanity in my household. I've noticed a change for the good in my daughter. If success is measured in making progress, then we are succeeding!

"Maybe the most any of us can expect from ourselves isn't perfection but progress." ~Michelle Burford

Getting Fit

As my 25 year class reunion approaches, I think it's only natural to take inventory of my life. I'm not sure I'll even return to my hometown for the event, but nonetheless it makes me stop to think. What has happened in my life in the past 25 years? Yes, I got married. Yes, I finished college. No, I did not pursue a career. I have 6 children, 4 biological, 2 adopted. I'm a stay at home mom....blah, blah, blah...

These are all important and somewhat interesting facts about me, but we all know the real reason people go to those reunions!!! To see how well (or not so well) our classmates have aged.

So, now I begin to assess my appearance. How much weight have I gained? What kind of shape am I in? Truth be known, I'm always in pursuit of better fit-ness.

I'm a product of the 80's! I've worked out with Olivia Newton-John, Jane Fonda, and the 'Buns of Steel' Chuck Norris looking guy. I also tried out Kathy Smith and Denise Austin videos and some cardio dance. The list goes on and on. I accumulated quite a collection of home workout videos.

Well, a couple years ago, I decided to try out the latest craze. Team Beachbody's Insanity!! Not sure I even made it through the entire 60-day program, but the results I got from the time I did put into it were very noticeable.

So, here I go again! I'm putting my treadmill, and the monotony that comes with it, on the backburner, dusting off my DVDs and getting busy with Shaun T. I just finished day 9. It's grueling, but I love the challenge!

This all may seem a bit shallow but let's not forget about the benefits that come with it! More energy for keeping up with all of my children and a healthier me!

Next challenge....a dietary overhaul.

Who Are You?

This is me. I like to refer to this look as 'au naturel'. No make up, no fancy hair. Gray roots are showing. I have dark circles around my eyes. I have splotchy skin.


I don't usually allow people to see me this way. Only the 'safe' people in my life get to see me in this state. When I say safe people, I mean the people in my life who I know will not reject me. The people who will love me unconditionally and not judge me by my appearance.



This look is analogous with the 'real me' with all of my flaws and imperfections. The person that I won't typically allow others to see for fear of judgement or rejection.



The real me has had many difficult times in her marriage.

The real me has experienced great pain.

The real me loses her patience with her children daily.

The real me struggles with self esteem issues.

The real me sometimes gets depressed.

The real me has a son who is gay.
The real me gets lonely.

The real me has struggled with addiction.

The real me....









This is me too. I clean up pretty good, huh? With make up, I effectively cover up the dark circles around my eyes, give my cheeks some color, darken up my eyelashes. Since I haven't taken time to dye it yet, I straighten my hair and style it in such a way so as to hide the gray roots. Throw on a smile and voila! I appear to look better, younger, happier, healthier.


This is comparable to the person you would see in church. I'll call her the church me.


The church me will smile and pretend that all is well.

The church me will tell you she's fine, thanks for asking.

The church me will tell you her kids are doing great.

The church me will talk about all of the good things God has done in her life.

The church me likes the acceptance she gets from people for being such a wonderful, well put together person.

The church me hides her real self because she fears if people knew the real her, they might judge her or shun her.



There are people in this world, in our towns, in our neighborhoods, in our workplaces who are hurting and need to see and feel the love of God (the one and only true God) who knows the 'real' them and loves them anyway. Unfortunately, many of 'those people' won't go to church because they see all of the church people with their masks on pretending that they have it all together. (Only the people who have it all together should be in church, right?!)

They're afraid that if they go to church, they will be judged and rejected. And, they're probably right. I've seen it happen! Shouldn't the people of the church be 'safe' people--accepting the hurting people of the world because we realize our brokenness as sinners in a fallen world?

I want to be a part of the church that doesn't reject the hurting, struggling people, but embraces them and welcomes them because there is HOPE for everybody and church is exactly where they need to be.



As Christmas approaches, my prayer is for the broken--that they would know that Jesus came and died just for them. That they would feel comfortable in God's house, worshipping with all of us other sinners. That they will be embraced by the family of God.

Planning Ahead

It's that time of year again! Halloween is over. Thanksgiving is near. And there is already Christmas music playing in the stores! I get why they do that whole 'start the Christmas season earlier and earlier each year' thing. Every year it seems like time goes by faster and faster and before you know it, Christmas is here!

I love the Christmas season. I love the lights, the music, the presents, gathering with the family, the snow, the decorations! What's not to love?!

Another thing that I enjoy about Christmas is our family's yearly tradition of giving to someone outside of our family. Now is the time to start researching the possibilities. There are so many people in need. I'm sure the possibilities for making a difference in the life of someone in need are endless! (I'm also gathering ideas for an outreach for my church small group.)

Here are just a couple of options I've come up with....

This is one of my favorites. It's called Chicks 4 Chicks. I love the idea of supplying women in Ethiopia with 2 chickens and a rooster so that they have a means of caring for themselves and their families. It's a gift that keeps on giving!! Eggs to eat. Eggs to sell. Chicks to raise. Chicken to eat. Love it! A bonus to donating to this cause is that we can donate in the name of a friend or family member. That's pretty cool!!

Another idea is this. It's a ministry that is caring for a community in Africa. There are many ways to help the people and children in the Bugabo village. We could donate money for water, education, or health care, sponsor a child, or purchase items from the store to support the ministry. We could also donate money for shoes for the villagers to protect their feet. The shoes are made by men and women in the village--a great way to provide for their families.

What are some of YOUR favorite ministries?

Fall Fun

Having a little fun in the leaves with 3 of my daughters. Hmmm....I wonder if it's warm...or cold...

A photo opportunity for all 4 of my daughters

Leaf fight!

Guess what we had to do after our leaf fun?!

That's right! HAIR! :)

Group Hug

I am a firm believer in the value of community!  I have come to find that sharing our burdens and experiences with others helps us to find support and strengthens our commitment in our endeavors. 
Take Weight Watchers, for example.  It is a tried and true weight loss plan.  The secret to WW's success is in the community.  Sharing our stories and our struggles, our victories and failures.  Learning that we're not alone on this journey.  Finding help and advice from others who have been there. 
AA is another such example of a group of people with a common background gathering to encourage and coach one another.
 I'm sure we've all experienced the value of finding a group of individuals who can relate to our situations.   
During our adoption process, I found so much strength, support and encouragement from other families who were adopting and from families who had already adopted.  It felt good to know that I wasn't alone and to share my journey with others!
Recently on this blog, I have shared about my struggles with raising a child from a hurt place who struggles with attachment issues.  It hasn't been easy to step out and admit that it has been a problem.  For some reason it's so much easier to talk about the sunny side of adoption and raising children.  Makes me feel more successful, like somehow I'm a better mother if I don't admit I have hard times.  Yet, in taking that risk, I have found an awesome community of  people who have also had the same struggles.  Some who are still in the throes and chaos of it all and can relate. Some who have figured it out and can lend encouragement and hope.  I have felt the power of prayers of this community.  I have seen a change in my attitude and  in my daughters behavior.  I know that there will be seasons of stress and difficulty, but for now I thank God that it is better and that it is good! 
Thank you to all who have offered advice, a kind word of encouragement, or prayer--they are cherished!  Can we have a group hug?! :)

Doing the Mom Thing

“The success of love is in the loving; it is not in the result of loving. Of course it is natural in love to want the best for the other person, but whether it turns out that way or not does not determine the value of what we
have done”.   ~An amazing quote by Mother Teresa!! 
Much of my frustration in raising a child who has been diagnosed with RAD (reactive attachment disorder) and ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) is that it seems that no matter how much love and kindness I show, there is no appreciation and no reciprocation.  I have come to accept that she may never appreciate what I do for her and we may never have a strong loving bond. 
Mother Teresa in all of her wisdom reminds me to treat my daughter with the loving kindness that she deserves regardless of what she is able to give in return.  Duh!  Right?  It's common sense yet I struggle with it every day.  Another mom talks about attachment issues being contagious, here.  I've found this to be true.  I know HOW to love yet when my efforts are resisted and I'm pushed away time and again, I FEEL like giving up.
My new plan of action is to do this mom thing just the way God wanted me to do it and find contentment in a job well done.  As Kim Cross of the Attachment Center of Kansas says in an article she wrote, "Your success is measured by what you provide, not in the outcome."  There's a weight lifted off of my shoulders!!

The Lesson of the Ampersand

The Ampersand.

A simple symbol with a simple meaning.

And.

The concept of the ampersand was presented to me in a workshop that I attended in March.  So many times we think in black and white, using the word 'but' to link two separate concepts.  That is an 'either/or' way of thinking.  When we use the concept of  '&', we can think in the gray. This is the 'and/both' way of thinking.
For example, instead of saying things like, "I love you, but I am really angry with you right now", I choose to say, "I love you AND I am very angry with you right now".
The reason I bring this up is because it has always been difficult for me to be honest about how hard this adoption has been for me.  I feel like a failure.  I feel like a bad person.  I feel like a bad mother. 
I'm not.  That's where the concept of the ampersand....and/both...gray thinking comes in.
I can say...
I get frustrated beyond belief every day with my daughter AND I love her.
I feel like giving up some days AND I am committed to this journey. 
I wish she didn't struggle with attachment AND I care for her as she is.
I am being challenged in ways I've never before experienced AND I am a good mother. 
Adopting two children and bringing them into my family didn't turn out the way I had 'dreamed' AND I am not a failure. 

And so, the concept of the ampersand has given me great freedom in feeling and communicating.  I hope it helps you, as well.

Charming

I wish I were one of those bloggers who could write about all of the amazing wonders my family has experienced through adoption.  I've tried!  I am a huge advocate for adoption and for providing homes for children who are orphaned for whatever reason.  But, to be honest, it has been a struggle since day one!  Oh, I've learned things. I've grown. AND, I've spent many days in emotional turmoil, loneliness and despair.

Charming! That's what people see when they look at my daughter.  Charming, loving, sweet!  And she is...in public.  That's part of her manipulative nature.  She loves to gain the approval of non parental adults, sometimes just to see if it bothers ME!  She will hug her teachers, my friends, strangers and look at me to see if I notice.  "Awww," they say, "such a sweet girl."  She'll also hug me in public in an attempt to show how very sweet she can be.  But at home, she is a different person!  She rebels, she lies, she argues, she sneaks.  SHE has to be in control.  She has to control EVERY situation.  She wants to control every person in the family even if it means making them angry or hurt or sad.  No remorse. No conscience. 
As a parent, it is a lonely place to be because NOBODY can understand unless they have seen it themselves or experienced it firsthand.  I would not understand either if I weren't living it myself.
Sure, I realize...I know...I get...that she is a broken child who has lived through unimaginable trauma, who has experienced loss and abandonment, who is hurt beyond belief, who can't trust, can't love, and can't accept love because of all of these things.  I know it!  But, what I experience every day and what I feel every day leaves. me. spent!!  I. am. exhausted!  My older children leave to escape the drama she brings each day.  My younger kids are greatly affected by the time and energy she requires from me.
I KNOW that it's NOT about ME!!  I will do whatever it takes to get her the help that she needs.  I will!  I  signed up for this(somewhat unknowingly) and I am committed to the journey.  And I also know that there needs to be BALANCE, something she won't allow!!  My other kids need me too!  Yet, any attention directed toward another child is a threat to her...
How to find the balance sounds like a topic for another blog post!  Maybe I'll write it once I figure it out!!   If you have already figured out how to have balance in your family with a child with attachment issues, feel free to comment!

Making Progress

I'm back from my mini blog vacation! In my last post I told of the trials I have endured for several years. I took a vacation, not to pout and despair and wallow in sadness, but to grow and learn and heal. It has been GOOD! Being still. Being quiet. Seeking God. Finding comfort. Healing. It is good!
Parenthood, marriage, older child adoption....it's all tough....it all takes work. Put them all together, and whew! it can be overwhelming!  For me, it seemed like everything collided and fell apart around me.  Instead of walking away from the mess, I decided to get some 'tools' to help me put it all back together.  And that I did!  I've learned (am still learning!) how to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.  I'm learning to forgive, communicate, connect and trust, not perfectly, but better, for sure.  My new motto:  Progress, not perfection.  (Ok, one of my new mottos....I have many!) 
My family and I have moved...AGAIN!!  The fresh start has been good for all of us.  I'm not sure what's waiting for me around the corner but I pray for the strength to face it head on.....

Now, here's a glimpse of what you've been missing.....


Nathan's High School Graduation Day:

Fourth of July

Just Posing  :)

Ready for First Day at New School

Walking Home from Football Practice

Landslide

The past several months have been full of 'not so good' changes.
I've blogged about some very good times my family has had in the past 2 years since the girls have come home. But, I would be lying if I said that there haven't been many, many days of unbearable challenges that came along with the adoption. So much stress, so little understanding, so little support, anxiety, depression, anger, regret, hopelessness, loneliness, failure, guilt, behavior issues, educational issues. On and on....some days better, almost normal, somedays worse.
November of last year=doomsday. As if the stress of the past two years wasn't enough, on that November day, my husband lost his job. Reason: violation of company policy. Our adoption was very public, our fundraising for the orphans in Ethiopia involved our community, we made the front page of our local newspaper when we were honored as angels in adoption by our congressman, SO....needless to say, the disruption in my husband's job and our marriage wasn't so private either.
The next blow....two weeks after doomsday, I received a call from my dad that my mom wasn't doing so well. I drove the 10 hour trek alone to be with her. One sleepless night after another ended one week later when my mom passed away. As painful as it was, I can look back and think how beautiful it was that all four of her children surrounded her on her hospital bed, my dad standing close by. Also, 7 of her 9 siblings were there with many members of their families. I hugged her tight and told her that we were all there, we all loved her very much and that it was ok to go as she took her last breath. I miss her terribly.

Stevie Nicks had this to say about her song "Landslide".....

"I realized then that everything could tumble, and when you're in Colorado, and you're surrounded by these incredible mountains, you think avalanche. It meant the whole world could tumble around us and the landslide would bring you down. And a landslide in the snow is like, deadly."


Changes....changes are hard!! We build our lives around certain perceptions of reality, not thinking that it could all fall apart and come crashing down around us at any moment. I don't want to get stuck here. I don't want to wallow in self-pity and despair. This is a choice I have to make every day.....