Oh Happy Day!

Just 2 years ago, I never thought this picture would be possible. LOOK...we're all smiling! Real, genuine, happy, having fun smiles!  That's healing! That's a miracle!

A picture is worth 1000 words.

Crazy Crew

 

THEN (2009)

 

 

NOW (2012)

 

 

I just love these kids!

 

I had a rough morning. Remember how I said things have gotten better...my daughter has healed...her behavior is better....se has learned not to triangulate and manipulate. Well, something snapped in her this morning and BAM we were revisiting the beginning all over again. It happens. It’s not uncommon to have those days. She’s not perfect and will probably always have a tendency to slip back into that comfortable place of coping. I’m not perfect either. (Whew! Glad we got that cleared up!) When my daughter slips back into past behavior, it’s a HUGE trigger for me. It evokes an internal emotional response that I can’t even begin to describe, but, of course, I’ll try. It’s a mixture of anger, frustration, resentment, and anxiety all rolled into one big ball of yuck in my gut.

The first ½ year, maybe longer, after the girls came home, was pretty traumatic for me. The mixture of marital stress and behavioral problems would’ve liked to have pushed me over the edge. Now, when Faven does something that reminds me of that time, those same feelings pop up without warning and with a fury.

My devotion this morning from “My Utmost for His Highest” by Oswald Chambers was about temptation. Chambers wrote, “God does not save us from temptations—He sustains us in the midst of them.” Oh so true. The temptation to lash out at Faven can be very strong. God knows that. And, as long as I rely on Him for my strength, I can face that temptation and resist that urge. Obviously, lashing out at her wouldn’t do either of us any good. In fact, it would be very harmful and detrimental to our relationship.

So, what do I do? Well, first of all, I try to calm down that emotional monster inside of me by reminding myself of the truth. Usually, the situation isn’t that bad and does not warrant the extreme emotional response. I’m the adult (funny that I need to remind myself of that!), and I need to set a good example of what it looks like to be in control of myself and my actions. But, most importantly, I try to care about the heart of a little girl who has been so badly damaged that she feels the need to behave the way she does. I try to see the little girl whose life has seemed so out of control that she needs to find ways to control the people around her. That kind of puts it all into perspective. It's only by God's grace that I can do that.

Healing

I want to make sure that it is clear that we in no way blame our marital issues on the adoption. Obviously, many marriages survive and thrive through adoption. Our marriage was like a ball of glass with cracks that may not have even been noticeable, but when pressure and stress was applied, the ball shattered. That’s what happened to our marriage. When our lives were thrown into chaos, our weaknesses, both individually and as a couple, became more apparent. We weren’t able to withstand the pressure, and our marriage crumbled.

When this happened, it confirmed in our adopted daughter’s mind and heart that nothing lasts forever, adults are weak and unreliable, and love is conditional. Ironically, this seemed to give her pleasure. She was oddly jealous of the relationship that John and I had as husband and wife, so she was content when we weren’t together anymore.

Fast forward half a year when John and I finally got our acts together.  Oneness in our marriage led to oneness in our parenting. I researched reactive attachment disorder like crazy and John and I used the tools I learned to teach our daughter boundaries, how to trust, honesty, and responsibility. She had to learn that manipulation and triangulation would not work in our house. We taught her how to feel safe in a stable environment. Most important, we taught her about unconditional love and commitment.  I cannot say enough how important it was and is for John and me to be on the same page, working together toward the same goal. I’ve seen a lot of healing in our little girl.

Oh, we still struggle. We still have meltdowns. We still have triggers. But, there is no comparison between the stress we have today and the stress we had 3 years ago.

Here is a conversation I had with my daughter a couple days ago. It’s a necessary reminder of the fear and pain that she must struggle with daily.

Her: Do you know why you are a good mom?

Me: Why?

Her: Because you haven’t given me up.

Me: Did you think I would?

Her: Well, you never know.

Me: Like it or not, you’re stuck with me forever.

Her: (smile and hug)

 

There really is HOPE!!

Marriage After Adoption

A good friend of mine, Shelly Roberts, has written a devotional for adoptive/foster moms called 31 Nuggets of Hope.  She has such a gift for encouraging women who are struggling.  I know, because I turned to her during a very difficult time in my life. Her kind, loving, encouraging, non-judgmental response to my gut-wrenching, heart bearing email gave me hope. 

As a part of the promotional plan for her devotional, Shelly asked me and my husband to consider sending a video of us telling a short version of our story. That is what led me to this blog post.  Shelly thought that our story, one that took us down a road of despair then restoration, could help others going through similar issues.  If our story can bring hope to other couples, then I’ll tell it! So here it goes….

My husband, John, and I decided to add to our family through adoption in 2007.  We had been married for 19 years and had 4 biological children.  In December 2008, we travelled to Ethiopia to bring home our 2 new daughters, ages 7 and 3.  We prepared for the challenges that we might face in bringing home older children. We knew that adoption meant loss and hurts and pains and we were ready to show these girls the love that they needed to heal.

It didn’t take us long to figure out that parenting these hurt children was not going to be quite so easy. While our 3 year old was just plain miserable and let us know it, our 7 year old downright hated me and seemed to be planning my demise. I could not for the life of me conjure up a feeling of love for her. I was barely able to tolerate her presence. I don’t like to admit that now, but it was even harder to feel that way 3 ½ years ago.  I felt too much shame and guilt to share these feelings with anybody else. I felt like a failure. I felt alone. My husband and I were miserable, our biological children were miserable, and our adopted children were miserable. I began to question my decision to adopt. I went from a mountaintop high of wanting to ‘save the world’ to a deep pit of despair and just wanting to save my family.

But, this post is not about the adoption, per se. It is about my marriage. The stress of parenting shut me and John down. We began to cope separately and in very different ways. John immersed himself in work in order to get away from our chaotic home life.  I began to resent him for that. I was exhausted, stressed, and lonely. I started to isolate and unwind each night with a glass or two of wine.  This became my escape.  Soon John began to find comfort and release in other relationships.

Our. Marriage. Fell. Apart. 

Over the span of 2 years, we separated twice. In November 2010, I decided that it was over. I was done! I was convinced that our marriage couldn't be saved and I didn't have the energy to work on it. This is the best decision I have ever made, because when I decided to quit trying to heal my marriage, I began to focus on myself. I needed help and healing. I attended a 3 day intensive women’s workshop at Faithful and True Ministries in Minnesota. I have to say that going off to Minnesota by myself for 3 days felt like a retreat!!  During those 3 days, I met many wonderful women who were also struggling in their marriages. The support of others walking the same road is invaluable!  John had also attended a 3 day Faithful and True workshop for men. He mentioned that there was also a Faithful and True couples workshop, but I was not interested in anything marriage at that time. Remember…I was done. 

That women’s workshop was the beginning of my road to recovery. I also started attending my local Celebrate Recovery. It is a Christian ministry for hurting people which utilizes a 12 step program. I wanted to find out the answers to “Why do I blame myself for someone else’s poor choices?” “Why do I feel like my needs shouldn’t matter?” and “Why do I keep trying to escape from my problems instead of falling on my knees in total dependence on God?”  As I dove into my recovery with vigor, I started to find the answers. I learned how to rely on God to meet my needs. I learned that I am pretty darn important. I learned that my self-worth is not dependent on anybody else’s opinion of me or their actions toward me. I learned that with God on my side, no matter what my circumstances, I would be okay. Ironically, through all of this, I gained a confidence that I have never known before. God’s funny that way.

Part of working through the pain in my life involved asking for forgiveness where needed and offering forgiveness. This included asking for forgiveness from my husband for mistakes I had made. This was not easy for me. It was so much easier to point out how he had failed me in our marriage. I also had to forgive him for his mistakes, which was equally as difficult. I had a lot of practice at hanging on to anger and resentment. My friends, forgiveness is powerful and freeing but does not always lead to reconciliation. However, somewhere in all of this, my heart started to soften and after several months of healing individually, God started to heal our relationship. We finally attended the Faithful and True workshop for couples. And after many months of separation, I chose to reconcile with my husband. This time, I set up boundaries, made it perfectly clear what the deal-breakers would be, and expressed my needs in our relationship. I determined to work hard on my marriage because marriage is hard work. Most importantly, I went back into my marriage without the expectation that John would meet all of my needs and that if he failed me again, I would be okay because I trusted God and His plan for my life. That has brought me so much peace. SO.MUCH.PEACE!!!

In November of 2010, I had NO HOPE for my marriage, but God worked a miracle in my heart, in my husband’s heart and in our family. Today, we are loving one another and ministering to other hurting people by sharing our story.