“The success of love is in the loving; it is not in the result of loving. Of course it is natural in love to want the best for the other person, but whether it turns out that way or not does not determine the value of what we
have done”. ~An amazing quote by Mother Teresa!!
Much of my frustration in raising a child who has been diagnosed with RAD (reactive attachment disorder) and ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) is that it seems that no matter how much love and kindness I show, there is no appreciation and no reciprocation. I have come to accept that she may never appreciate what I do for her and we may never have a strong loving bond.
Mother Teresa in all of her wisdom reminds me to treat my daughter with the loving kindness that she deserves regardless of what she is able to give in return. Duh! Right? It's common sense yet I struggle with it every day. Another mom talks about attachment issues being contagious, here. I've found this to be true. I know HOW to love yet when my efforts are resisted and I'm pushed away time and again, I FEEL like giving up.
My new plan of action is to do this mom thing just the way God wanted me to do it and find contentment in a job well done. As Kim Cross of the Attachment Center of Kansas says in an article she wrote, "Your success is measured by what you provide, not in the outcome." There's a weight lifted off of my shoulders!!
Monday, October 24, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
The Lesson of the Ampersand
A simple symbol with a simple meaning.
And.
The concept of the ampersand was presented to me in a workshop that I attended in March. So many times we think in black and white, using the word 'but' to link two separate concepts. That is an 'either/or' way of thinking. When we use the concept of '&', we can think in the gray. This is the 'and/both' way of thinking.
For example, instead of saying things like, "I love you, but I am really angry with you right now", I choose to say, "I love you AND I am very angry with you right now".
The reason I bring this up is because it has always been difficult for me to be honest about how hard this adoption has been for me. I feel like a failure. I feel like a bad person. I feel like a bad mother.
I'm not. That's where the concept of the ampersand....and/both...gray thinking comes in.
I can say...
I get frustrated beyond belief every day with my daughter AND I love her.
I feel like giving up some days AND I am committed to this journey.
I wish she didn't struggle with attachment AND I care for her as she is.
I am being challenged in ways I've never before experienced AND I am a good mother.
Adopting two children and bringing them into my family didn't turn out the way I had 'dreamed' AND I am not a failure.
And so, the concept of the ampersand has given me great freedom in feeling and communicating. I hope it helps you, as well.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Charming
I wish I were one of those bloggers who could write about all of the amazing wonders my family has experienced through adoption. I've tried! I am a huge advocate for adoption and for providing homes for children who are orphaned for whatever reason. But, to be honest, it has been a struggle since day one! Oh, I've learned things. I've grown. AND, I've spent many days in emotional turmoil, loneliness and despair.
Charming! That's what people see when they look at my daughter. Charming, loving, sweet! And she is...in public. That's part of her manipulative nature. She loves to gain the approval of non parental adults, sometimes just to see if it bothers ME! She will hug her teachers, my friends, strangers and look at me to see if I notice. "Awww," they say, "such a sweet girl." She'll also hug me in public in an attempt to show how very sweet she can be. But at home, she is a different person! She rebels, she lies, she argues, she sneaks. SHE has to be in control. She has to control EVERY situation. She wants to control every person in the family even if it means making them angry or hurt or sad. No remorse. No conscience.
As a parent, it is a lonely place to be because NOBODY can understand unless they have seen it themselves or experienced it firsthand. I would not understand either if I weren't living it myself.
Sure, I realize...I know...I get...that she is a broken child who has lived through unimaginable trauma, who has experienced loss and abandonment, who is hurt beyond belief, who can't trust, can't love, and can't accept love because of all of these things. I know it! But, what I experience every day and what I feel every day leaves. me. spent!! I. am. exhausted! My older children leave to escape the drama she brings each day. My younger kids are greatly affected by the time and energy she requires from me.
I KNOW that it's NOT about ME!! I will do whatever it takes to get her the help that she needs. I will! I signed up for this(somewhat unknowingly) and I am committed to the journey. And I also know that there needs to be BALANCE, something she won't allow!! My other kids need me too! Yet, any attention directed toward another child is a threat to her...
How to find the balance sounds like a topic for another blog post! Maybe I'll write it once I figure it out!! If you have already figured out how to have balance in your family with a child with attachment issues, feel free to comment!
Charming! That's what people see when they look at my daughter. Charming, loving, sweet! And she is...in public. That's part of her manipulative nature. She loves to gain the approval of non parental adults, sometimes just to see if it bothers ME! She will hug her teachers, my friends, strangers and look at me to see if I notice. "Awww," they say, "such a sweet girl." She'll also hug me in public in an attempt to show how very sweet she can be. But at home, she is a different person! She rebels, she lies, she argues, she sneaks. SHE has to be in control. She has to control EVERY situation. She wants to control every person in the family even if it means making them angry or hurt or sad. No remorse. No conscience.
As a parent, it is a lonely place to be because NOBODY can understand unless they have seen it themselves or experienced it firsthand. I would not understand either if I weren't living it myself.
Sure, I realize...I know...I get...that she is a broken child who has lived through unimaginable trauma, who has experienced loss and abandonment, who is hurt beyond belief, who can't trust, can't love, and can't accept love because of all of these things. I know it! But, what I experience every day and what I feel every day leaves. me. spent!! I. am. exhausted! My older children leave to escape the drama she brings each day. My younger kids are greatly affected by the time and energy she requires from me.
I KNOW that it's NOT about ME!! I will do whatever it takes to get her the help that she needs. I will! I signed up for this(somewhat unknowingly) and I am committed to the journey. And I also know that there needs to be BALANCE, something she won't allow!! My other kids need me too! Yet, any attention directed toward another child is a threat to her...
How to find the balance sounds like a topic for another blog post! Maybe I'll write it once I figure it out!! If you have already figured out how to have balance in your family with a child with attachment issues, feel free to comment!
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