Charming

I wish I were one of those bloggers who could write about all of the amazing wonders my family has experienced through adoption.  I've tried!  I am a huge advocate for adoption and for providing homes for children who are orphaned for whatever reason.  But, to be honest, it has been a struggle since day one!  Oh, I've learned things. I've grown. AND, I've spent many days in emotional turmoil, loneliness and despair.

Charming! That's what people see when they look at my daughter.  Charming, loving, sweet!  And she is...in public.  That's part of her manipulative nature.  She loves to gain the approval of non parental adults, sometimes just to see if it bothers ME!  She will hug her teachers, my friends, strangers and look at me to see if I notice.  "Awww," they say, "such a sweet girl."  She'll also hug me in public in an attempt to show how very sweet she can be.  But at home, she is a different person!  She rebels, she lies, she argues, she sneaks.  SHE has to be in control.  She has to control EVERY situation.  She wants to control every person in the family even if it means making them angry or hurt or sad.  No remorse. No conscience. 
As a parent, it is a lonely place to be because NOBODY can understand unless they have seen it themselves or experienced it firsthand.  I would not understand either if I weren't living it myself.
Sure, I realize...I know...I get...that she is a broken child who has lived through unimaginable trauma, who has experienced loss and abandonment, who is hurt beyond belief, who can't trust, can't love, and can't accept love because of all of these things.  I know it!  But, what I experience every day and what I feel every day leaves. me. spent!!  I. am. exhausted!  My older children leave to escape the drama she brings each day.  My younger kids are greatly affected by the time and energy she requires from me.
I KNOW that it's NOT about ME!!  I will do whatever it takes to get her the help that she needs.  I will!  I  signed up for this(somewhat unknowingly) and I am committed to the journey.  And I also know that there needs to be BALANCE, something she won't allow!!  My other kids need me too!  Yet, any attention directed toward another child is a threat to her...
How to find the balance sounds like a topic for another blog post!  Maybe I'll write it once I figure it out!!   If you have already figured out how to have balance in your family with a child with attachment issues, feel free to comment!