Healing

I want to make sure that it is clear that we in no way blame our marital issues on the adoption. Obviously, many marriages survive and thrive through adoption. Our marriage was like a ball of glass with cracks that may not have even been noticeable, but when pressure and stress was applied, the ball shattered. That’s what happened to our marriage. When our lives were thrown into chaos, our weaknesses, both individually and as a couple, became more apparent. We weren’t able to withstand the pressure, and our marriage crumbled.

When this happened, it confirmed in our adopted daughter’s mind and heart that nothing lasts forever, adults are weak and unreliable, and love is conditional. Ironically, this seemed to give her pleasure. She was oddly jealous of the relationship that John and I had as husband and wife, so she was content when we weren’t together anymore.

Fast forward half a year when John and I finally got our acts together.  Oneness in our marriage led to oneness in our parenting. I researched reactive attachment disorder like crazy and John and I used the tools I learned to teach our daughter boundaries, how to trust, honesty, and responsibility. She had to learn that manipulation and triangulation would not work in our house. We taught her how to feel safe in a stable environment. Most important, we taught her about unconditional love and commitment.  I cannot say enough how important it was and is for John and me to be on the same page, working together toward the same goal. I’ve seen a lot of healing in our little girl.

Oh, we still struggle. We still have meltdowns. We still have triggers. But, there is no comparison between the stress we have today and the stress we had 3 years ago.

Here is a conversation I had with my daughter a couple days ago. It’s a necessary reminder of the fear and pain that she must struggle with daily.

Her: Do you know why you are a good mom?

Me: Why?

Her: Because you haven’t given me up.

Me: Did you think I would?

Her: Well, you never know.

Me: Like it or not, you’re stuck with me forever.

Her: (smile and hug)

 

There really is HOPE!!